We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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