did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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