A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
smell my finger.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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