Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
