Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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