I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
