Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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