im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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