If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
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You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
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I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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