I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
