Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
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I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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