My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
