there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
