I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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