I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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