We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
