I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
