Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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