Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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