shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
