walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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