Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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