just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
