I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
