Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
