don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
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Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
as a side note pls kill me
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