sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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