It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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