in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
