The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
