so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
