There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
