I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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