She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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