if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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