Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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