everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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