ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
