the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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