All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He did a backflip because drugs
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