I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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