Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
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