Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
