i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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