You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
