my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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