doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
