She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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