i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
