Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
