Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
