I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
