I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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