she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
