I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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