my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Success! We fucked roommates!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
